Tortured twisted and empty. That is how I feel right now. Why, because of the thoughts of a woman who touched my life in a very profound way. Over Skype we talked and talked and talked. Then she just pushed me away. That would be fine but then she pulled me back and pushed me away again and again.
We met in September of 2013 in a fun chat room. That night was a birthday party for a couple of other people that hung out there and it was full of fun and laughs. This was the first time she was in the room and at that time I had no idea the impact she was going to have on my life.
We became friends and then I fell in love with her. Damn how much i wish that she had just laughed at me the day that I told her that. Instead it brought us closer. She never said those three words to me but she said enough other things to me that made me realized how she felt about me.
Her job was the reason she told me that we could not have any thing between us. I did not like this but I did understand and accepted it and stepped aside so that we could both go on with our lives.
All would have been fine if that was the end of my tale, but of course it is not. After a month of not communicating in any way she contacted me. She started the IM off with the comment ” I know i should not be doing this but I miss you terribly.”
What can I do, what can I say other than the truth. I missed her more than I can describe. So we reconnected for a few months.
Then she did it again. We cant do this because of work. And again I stepped aside and let her go.
Then she came back again with news that she has a terrible sickness. She felt that she needed to tell me this. For the first couple of weeks there was contact between us every day. Then she just dropped out of site. Not a single IM or nothing from her. At the end of the first week I started to wonder if she was ok or had the disease taken her. Through the next week I realized that if anything ever happened to her I would never know.
Then she sent me an IM. A broncitis attack on top of everything else put her in bed for the two weeks. Relieved that she was ok I left it alone for a while. Just before Christmas she found out that the sickness was gone.
A couple of weeks later she hit me with the job thing again. That was a month and a half ago now. I still leave her alone. I want to contact her and tell her that I miss her but what good does it do. She is the one who put the restriction on me and i have already tried everything i can think of to get her to look at things from a different perspective.
The biggest problem for me right now is that I am really hoping that she will contact me again. I wish i could say that i am not expecting it but she keeps doing it. I know what I want to say to her if she does contact me again but I am not sure if i will be able to say the things that need to be said.